Yesterday, I did yet another stupid thing. Triggering myself and punishing myself is something I’m sadly so good at, so you’re probably gonna end up reading about the stupid things I’ve done on a regular basis.
Anyway, yesterday, my stupid thing was doing a little Facebook and Twitter stalking of my family and my ex. (this is always done via another FB account so I’m safe doing it and I’ve not added any of them as friends or messaged them via the side account etc.) and I ended up finding out something that disturbed me so much and left me really just not knowing what to do.
I’ve known for a little while now that my abusive ex was in a new relationship and I’ve spent so much time curled up in guilt because of that; so strongly feeling like I need to get a message out to her somehow, to try and warn her, to let her know just how abusive my ex. is so she can get away from him. I ended up not doing it.
I found out yesterday that he proposed to her, that they’re now engaged. I know him, I know his views on marriage, I know exactly what he’ll be thinking. He believes that girlfriends are his property, but he believes even more that wives are his property; this is about gaining full control over his girlfriend, I know, because I was engaged to him at one point and I saw how much everything changed for the worse, to the point where I couldn’t take it any more and had to leave him.
I don’t know if he’s abusing her yet, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was, it’s been about four years so I’m sure she’s definitely noticed some red flags, sure he’s done something by now. I know she was generally more stable and less vulnerable than me; I was trained to accept abuse and not say anything long before he met me, so I know it was generally easier to hurt me, he got to skip all the grooming stages, but maybe he hasn’t had to skip those with her.
I’m worried for her so much, especially now he’s tied himself to her, I was worried before but this really freaked me out. Once I officially ‘belonged’ to him, he got so much worse, I was his property and he could do whatever he wanted to and with me and he barely had any restraints before then. I’m so scared for her, I’m so scared of what he’s gonna do to her.
I tried to tell myself that he wouldn’t hurt her, that he had somehow magically changed or maybe it was something about me, never about him or he just needed to find the right person who he wouldn’t abuse and maybe he’s found that person in her, but I know that’s all bullshit. Abusers don’t change, they’ll never change. She’s just at much at risk as I was, as the few women before me were.
Talking with my girlfriend about him and his family and this situation yesterday, I realised a lot. I realised that of course he’s always gonna be abusive, that he always had been.
Between screaming and yelling at his mum at 3am to go and make us some food (I nearly threw up from the shame and the guilt and couldn’t eat any of it) when she had work the next morning and her doing it without question because he always lost his temper so quick.
Between his insistence that his ex girlfriend, who’d only been with him for a few months, was completely crazy and a liar and fucked up and if she ever said anything to me that it was a lie.
Between the fact that his younger female relatives were always so wary around him. That his cousin refused to leave her daughters alone with him. That his other cousin repeatedly crashed and burned and would never be anywhere with him alone. I knew he had abused his step-sister, she told me herself. The fact that a young girl adopted into the family used to scream and cry and yell whenever he was anywhere near her.
Between the fact that a boy much younger than him, struggling with his sexuality and generally really vulnerable had been manipulated into an on and off again relationship with him for years.
He’d always been abusive and thinking on it with my girlfriend yesterday, his family knew, they’ve always known. There’s something really telling in the way his grandmother is glaring in all of the pictures of the engagement party; it was the same look she had when he announced our engagement.
Part of me really, really wants to reach out to her somehow, to warn her, to tell her to get out, to help her pick up on those red flags and see who he is. But I know that I could potentially be risking my own safety if I do and I know that she simply wouldn’t listen to me. He’s of course told her that I’m crazy and a liar, in the same way he told me the same about his ex; if I write to her this soon after her engagement, I’m just gonna look like the crazy, jealous ex. who’s trying to sabotage their relationship.
I don’t care what I look like though, really, I’m never gonna see any of them so what does it matter to me? But I know that my words are gonna automatically be disbelieved. The only one that doesn’t see how abusive he is is his mum, who’s just so detached from it, so numb to it, so intent on believing her son is different from his father and anyone else that does see it is either complicit or too scared to speak out for themselves.
There’s not much I can do. Even if I do somehow get an address for her and write to her, she’ll not believe me and I could possibly put her at risk if she confronts him about whatever I say. The only address I have for any of them is his parents, but his step-dad is just as complicit with his abuse and his mum refuses to see it.
There’s nothing I can do, but I just feel so guilty. I logically know that if he hurts her, it’s not on me, I’m not responsible, he’s an abusive man who chooses to be abusive, but I can’t help feeling so guilty and feeling like I have to do something, anything. I’m just so scared for her.