I Did A Stupid Thing

Since my last post, I can’t get numbers out of my head, I keep fighting the urge to count, to work out just how many times.  I broke.

I was trafficked from the ages of 4-5 until I was 22.

For those first few years, before my mum met her boyfriend, it was maybe 3-5 a night every few nights or so, 2-3 times a week.

1522 times before I was 8, going off of the lower numbers of 3 a night, twice a week.

When I was 8, my mum met her boyfriend, he was already a trafficker, I was taken there every night.  On a week night, because my mum had already tried to get me home-schooled when I was younger and failed, it was limited, slightly.  About 15-20 a night, depending on how quick they were and how late they kept me there.  Usually till about 4-5am so I could get a few hours sleep before school, I often fell asleep during lessons and I’d get in trouble, asked why I was so tired, refuse to answer and get in trouble more.  On the Friday night, I’d be kept there until the Sunday night, till about 2-3am so I could get sleep again before school.  I’d see on average a client every hour, usually two, if not more, I’d barely be allowed to sleep or eat or drink or take a break, it was almost constant, I was working almost round the clock, drugged, given speed and coke to keep me going.  The only gap in this, really, was when I was pregnant at 13, it still happened, but not as frequently, my mum got weirdly protective suddenly.  I was trafficked there non-stop until I turned 16.

75 during the week, at least 25 (low estimate over the weekend), about 100 a week, 400 a month, 4800 a year for eight years.  38400.

This doesn’t include school holidays where I lived there permanently, seeing clients on a constant basis.

I left my mum’s on my 16th birthday, she nearly killed me for doing it, but I was still constantly being dragged back.  A few times a week, where I’d work the full night, the full weekend.  Again one an hour or so, usually two.  After I left school each day and later college, I’d have to go back there.  Probably on average 40 or so a week.  This lasted until I was about 21.  The only times it dropped was when I was homeless and away from them.  Another 7680.

From the age of 21, things got worse again and I was being dragged back more and more and working almost every night again and working more and more parties because my ex was consistently bankrupting me and I didn’t know what else to do.  Call it 10 a night, 7 nights a week, for a year.  Another 3360.

My last ex, from the age of about 19 until I was 22 was simultaneously selling me to his friends and family to help make up for all the times he bankrupted us, this was him ‘helping’.  About 2 or 3 of them a week.  Another 288.

From the age of about 16 till I was 22, I was selling myself, especially while I was homeless and I desperately needed money or at least just a bed for the night.  The points where I was homeless, I was seeing 4-5 men a night, generally staying with the last one (and pocketing his wallet on the way out, because fuck it.).  I can’t work out how often I did this so I’m just not gonna try to add these.  (And that may or may not be because I can’t see them as rape because I sold myself so?  =/)

This doesn’t include parties where there’d be up to 30 men at once and a handful of us.

This doesn’t include the times I was sold to clients for longer periods of time, where I stayed with them.

This doesn’t include the times where I was taken abroad and so wasn’t working my usual hours.

This doesn’t include the rapes specifically for porn.

This doesn’t include the incest and the rape from my family and traffickers and clients that had access to me outside of there (namely teachers and police and the like).

It doesn’t include the rapes within abusive relationships.

It doesn’t include the handful of one-off rapes I’ve experienced too.

1522 + 38400 + 7680 + 3360 + 288 =

I don’t want to do this, I know I shouldn’t do this, I know I’m going to throw up, I know this isn’t good for me.  Why am I doing this to myself?

I just want to scream at myself those numbers are wrong, that they can’t be possibly right, that I must just be making it up, that I’m just lying, that I can’t have survived all of that, I just can’t have and yeah, I nearly died and did actually die a few times over, but it can’t be real, it just can’t, it can’t, it can’t, it can’t.  I’m just over-exaggerating, just trying to out-do others, just, something.

1522 + 38400 + 7680 + 3360 + 288 = 51250 rapes.

That’s nearly 10 times more than the 6000 average.  I know I’ve somehow managed to magically survive there longer than most, that in close to 20 years it’s gonna be a little more than the average, but it can’t be right, it can’t be.  It’s not real, none of this can be real.

Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.

RadSurvivor.

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